Monday, February 21, 2011
It's been so hard to sit down and write about what's going on in my head. I don't want to give my anxiety a voice, but it's so overwhelming right now. It sounds ridiculous, but my anxiety seems so unmanageable at times that it's easier to just sink into a near-depression and accept that this baby will die, too, and if he lives, it will just be a happy surprise. It sounds sick and wrong, and I don't know how else to manage the terrible thoughts as we tick down the last 2 weeks before the amnio and hopeful c-section the next day (scheduled at this moment for 3/8/11). I want to be hopeful, but it scares me to feel that way. I don't know that I can live through Ryder dying like Addison died. I'm afraid to put a nursery together, although we bought a new Pack-N-Play tonight for him to sleep in during those first few months. I need a new mantra, but instead I will just keep busy (my doctor won't take me off work anyway), continue to breathe, and see what happens. Please live. Please be healthy. Please let me be your mom.