I am a pathetic blogger, and that’s the truth. The short of the story is that I have an almost-6-month-old baby boy, Ryder, who is absolutely delicious! Big brother Calvin, 5, is completely in love with Ryder. Below is the note I put on Facebook the day after Ryder was born. Why I couldn’t take that extra step and just post it on this blog is completely beyond me; I have no excuse. (Ryder stayed in the NICU for about 48 hours after he was born, and although it took a good 4 weeks of pumping and feeding, I finally got him on the breast. )
Life is good BUT.
I still miss Addison, who was born 22 months ago today. Lately I’ve been having more difficulty with my emotions surrounding Addison, and balancing the happiness I feel in having my 2 boys, with the sadness I feel in losing my daughter. This is going to sound strange, but sometimes I forget that Ryder is Ryder, and not Addison. Like, I was looking at Halloween costumes online the other day, and I saw a boy/girl costume combination, and thought that it would be perfect for my kids. And a split second later, I remembered that I don’t have a boy and a girl—I have 2 boys. It’s almost like my brain forgets that I lost her, and Ryder is a different person. Even as I type this, my throat is starting to get scratchy because I could burst into tears at any moment. The tough thing is that I know there would be no Ryder if Addison hadn’t died. And the cuter and sweeter Ryder gets (and he is just the best baby ever), the more I wonder what Addison would have been like. And that makes me feel incredibly guilty, because I love Ryder so much, and I wouldn’t trade him for anything—not even Addison. I just wish I never lost her in the first place. God, wouldn’t that have made my life so much simpler?
Anyway, that’s what’s going on. My baby is amazing and I love him more every day. And my dead baby is still dead. And I miss her so much. So very much.
Posted originally on 3/3/11
Thanks to everyone for all the support and love. I went to the hospital late last night because I didn't feel Ryder moving as well as he usually does at that time of night. I thought I might be overreacting, but based on what happened to Addison after the same type of feeling, I had no shame in showing up at L&D. During the first hour I was there, he had a pretty good heartrate deceleration that led them to keep me overnight for monitoring. The little monkey had another decel with a slow recovery, which brought the doctor in to review the strip and discuss a game plan. We agreed with the doctor that, based on my history, we should just do a c-section. Ryder had the cord wrapped around his ankle, so that was likely the cause of the decels. It was a huge relief to hear him cry when he came out. He was born 3/2/11 at 3:35am and weighed in at 6lbs 13oz and was 19" long--not bad for exactly 36 weeks. Ryder will likely stay in the NICU for a few days, but he is doing well. Chest x-rays were good and labs were normal. He's getting a low level of oxygen through a cannula (the little under-the-nose thingy) due to low O2 saturation levels, and is on a 48-hour course of antibiotics as a precaution. He's not eating yet, but getting IV fluids for now. I'm busy pumping so I can be ready to feed when he's ready to eat. I got to do skin-to-skin for a few hours this evening and he was rooting around, sucking on a binky (I was SO tempted to let him have what he really wanted), looking around, and showing lots of personality. Of course it's disappointing that Calvin can't come see him (flu season) and we can't have him in our room like a "normal" baby. But I am just SO incredibly thankful to have him safe on the "outside," to see how well he's doing, and know he's going to be just fine. But that doesn't stop me from keeping my fingers crossed that he makes it to our room before I'm discharged on Saturday. And a HUGE shout out to the awesome staff at Northside Forsyth. At this point everyone knows about Addison and they have all been incredibly supportive--including helping me break the rules by going to see Ryder only 6 hours after his birth. It has been an awesome experience so far. And of course I am enjoying a very speedy recovery, so I can't ask for much more. Thanks again for all the well wishes and positive thoughts--it means the world to me!
Rebecca
