Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Two Years

I have such a hard time putting my feelings into words these days. In so many ways I can't believe it has been two full years since Addison was born and then died. The experience of losing her has definitely taken its toll on me physically and emotionally. I think I'm finally in a place where life should be feeling more "normal," what with an ever-growing 8-month-old baby cutting teeth, crawling and cruising; and a 5-year-old who often acts like he's 12. I've got my hands full, just like every other normal mom. But I really feel anything but normal.

Many of my relationships have suffered over the past couple of years. I'm just so damned self-centered; it's all about MY loss, MY sadness, MY anxiety, MY hole in my heart that can never EVER be filled. I'm sure it's incredibly exhausting to even want to be there for me after all this time. I definitely turned inward in dealing with all the Addison-related emotions, and I wonder if I'll ever learn how to unwrap myself again. My marriage has suffered the most, I think. We've been riding the train of never-ending emotions, hoping it would come to a stop in the Station of Life Satisfaction and Happiness once our rainbow baby was born. But I guess it's not that simple.

And now our precious baby Ryder is 8 months old and growing, growing, growing himself right out of babyhood. He lived. We made it through pregnancy and even through most of the big SIDS-risk months. He seems to be developing normally, and he's really just such a sweet, happy, fat guy who smiles at darn near everything. He's adorable and I love him so much, and his big brother absolutely ADORES him. And I think this is really all I ever wanted, right? But I'm still torn up inside, and half the time I don't know why. I don't know if I miss Addison, or if the experience of losing her ruined my naive notion that a person could live happily ever after, or what. And it's not that I'm Boo Hoo Sad anymore. I'm just...empty in a way. Living, going through the motions, attempting to find my happy moments. But just here.

I think I'm going to stop right here because this post is going nowhere. I think I just needed to get it out. Maybe my meds need to be readjusted after all. Maybe I just don't know how to be a happy person, and I need someone or something to blame. Because it just doesn't escape me how much I have to be happy about. I am a very lucky girl....a very lucky girl who is still missing something, even 2 years later.