Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Where is my fucking period?

I'm just so confused right now. I had Addison, full-term, 10/28/09. I got my first period exactly 11 weeks later on 1/13/10. My second period came on 2/13, making that a 31-day cycle. I have yet to see a period since 2/13/10. Even if I got my period tomorrow, that would make this a 34-day cycle. Right? I just don't know. It's not that I need to be pregnant right now--we only lost Addison a mere 15 weeks ago (but who's counting, right?). It's just that I would like to understand what the fuck my body is doing so I can hope to get pregnant in the nearish future. Then again, I think I got pregnant with Calvin during a cycle where I didn't have a period. My body is lame. And I know I'm not pregnant right now because I got negative tests on 3/9 and 3/15. It's just strange because I could have sworn I was going to start my period last week. And that feeling lasted for a few days and then faded. And now I feel like it's never going to come again. And I'll never get a chance to get pregnant again. Because....well....let's get real. Not much sex is happening over here in this house these days. Yes, there have been a few times in the past month (once on day 15 of my last cycle, which is the day in the cycle I got pregnant with Addison). But obviously that one didn't take, which is no surprise. It's not like I tried that hard, considering we only did it once. On one day that may or may have been a day kinda near ovulation. I've never used an ovulation kit or a thermometer in my life. I wouldn't know where to start. And I think the anxiety that would cause would be too much. And that is a can of worms I am not ready to open.

Okay, I've officially entered The Rambling Zone.

I started back to work 3/1. Went to visit my fam back in California 3/6-3/16. And I've not been able to see my therapist. Three weeks is just too long to go when it's only been 15 since losing one of the 2 most precious things I've ever had. I'm so glad I have an appointment on Friday.

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