Wednesday, March 17, 2010
To my knees
I remember now why I avoid looking at the pictures of Addison. Watching the naive happiness on our faces in that first day contort into total numb the next. And then watching Addison's skin color and whole face change during that week of her life. The week that WAS her life. As we starved her to death. Hoping for her death not only for her, but for us. Being in a position that absolutely no parent should ever have to be in. The pictures that document her transformation from a beautiful perfect newborn baby, to a statue, to the dust that is now literally in a statue on our mantle. It sickens me. It breaks me down and brings me to my knees.
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Hugs. I know what you mean. We have hardly any photos from the first two days when Matilda looked good and we looked happy. We thought we'd have forever to take photos of her.
ReplyDeleteInstead most of the photos we have are from the last morning she was alive. She's a colour in those no newborn baby should be. And it makes me so sad that in her first photo album, there's pictures of her funeral. That's just wrong.
Maddie x
Yes, no parent should ever have to be in that position. I'm so sorry that the photo's of Addison's too short life are so painful right now. She is so beautiful and I wish you were documenting her life in photos as a thriving, happy girl.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
Rebecca I wish I knew what to say to this. I have my own horrors, my own vivid memories of my son as he lay dying in my arms. It's a memory I wish with my whole heart wasn't my reality. It shouldn't be this way...I'm so sorry. Sending you hugs
ReplyDeleteJust thinking about you this morning. It's a rainy, gloomy day in MS. Days like today make everything seem a little bit worse if thats possible. I tried your trick of rocking Andrew to sleep last night as I was falling asleep...very sweet and peaceful. Sending you hugs and love and hope for a good day.
ReplyDeleteI'm a aunt and not a momma, but I wanted to send you as much Easter love as I could. I think of you and my sister and nephew so many times each day. Hoping that the spring brings you many opportunities to feel close to your babe.
ReplyDeleteHi there. Just wanted to let you know I'm reading your blog, and identifying with your words. I'm so sorry any of us have to go through this.
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