Sunday, April 11, 2010


I've always been a big dreamer--the night kind, that is. My whole life I have had vivid, disturbing dreams that I remember on a consistent basis. In my most recent disturbing dream from this week, the final scene was me finding my 3 1/2-year-old son's body in a clear plastic body bag in a park, along with a man's drivers license. I did not recognize the man, but the ID apparently belonged to the person who did terrrible things to my child, the climax of which was taking his life. And in my dream I actually uttered the words, "well, it could be worse." When I woke up, in that hazy-dazy in-between asleep and awake, I remembered those words and knew that they meant it would be worse to NOT know what happened to him and/or who was responsible. Like if he just disappeared one day into thin air; became a missing child. Seriously, what kind of sick mind creates images like that and scenarios like that and justifications like that? It's time to turn off Nancy Grace.

I obviously have a major fear of losing my only living child. I've always been kind of protective, but it's natural and easy to be protective of such a young kid. I'm wondering how I'll do as he gets older. I don't want to be one of those crazy controlling parents, and I know I can't protect him forever from every bad thing in the world, but I would like to think I can. All I can do is keep my eyes open, be vigilant, aware, teach him to do the same (without creating fear in him), and hope for the best. I really hope he lives a long, healthy, happy life. Isn't that what I hoped for Addison, too?

I had a very long dream the night before Easter. The short version is that I was given a bird to care for while the owner (a woman who was kind of like my sister-in-law, kind of like my aunt--I don't know who she was supposed to be) was away. At times the bird was small and hung out in the hoodie of a sweatshirt I was wearing. At times it became bigger, baby-sized, and I held it as such. And long story short, a sapling appeared on a branch through the window, and it hopped onto the branch. I tried to grab the bird, small as it was in this scene, but it bit me. And then it flew away. And I was forced to tell the unknown woman/owner what had happened. That I lost her bird. And there was another side-story about me throwing away some kind of plaque she had that recognized the adoption of this bird. Or something like that. Well, once the bird flew away, somehow I felt it was reasonable to discard the plaque. I donated it to Goodwill, actually. And then I realized my mistake and went to retrieve it, but the owner realized how important it was to me and used this as a bargaining chip. He demanded a huge sum of money in exchange for it. The whole thing was very convoluted, and there is so much more to the story. In the morning I related part of the dream to my husband, who said, "wow, your brain is trying to work through some issues." But I don't know how my brain thinks these kinds of dreams are helpful for the lucid, awake me. Even if, on a subconscious level, they're helpful and I'm processing my issues, remembering them once I'm awake leaves me feeling sad and disturbed and helpless.

Many days I feel like I'm getting worse--not better. Time is supposed to make this pain more bearable, right? I'm supposed to eventually come to terms with this unbelieveable thing that is now part of my personal history. I'm supposed to take this most wretched thing and twist it into something I'm grateful I was able to endure, and find the good in it. Right? I'm so NOT even close to any of that shit. My therapist tells me that wallowing in the pain of my loss for a bit is fine, but marinating is not helpful. My question is: what about drowning?


  1. Hugs. I'm never sure where the line is between wallowing and marinating is. My pysc tells me I'm doing as well as you'd expect and 5 months isn't very long when it comes to losing a baby.

    I've been having horrible dreams as well. Lots where I'm drowning or there's tsunami like waves. One where I was organising a funeral for the next baby. Another where I went to a high school reunion and everyone had a baby except me. I really hope that my subconscious is processing something for me because they make me feel pretty awful.

    I guess we just keep taking it a day at a time.

    Maddie x

  2. your dreams sound terrifying.

    i'm sorry this happened to you :(