Sunday, August 8, 2010

It Lives

My first OB appointment was a major test of emotional strength...which I failed horribly. But the bottom line is that I'm not as far along as I thought, so that is apparently why my symptoms seemed to disappear last week. It's actually more likely they never fully had developed.

I'm happy to say that I'm good and nauseated now. Sick as ever. Puking my guts up and still wanting to heave again. I never thought I would be happy about that, but I am. As of today I am apparently only 6w4d. We saw an ultrasound of a bean and a pretty steady 119 heartrate on Friday. According to the size of the bean, I apparently ovulated on day 19 of my cycle and had a definitely positive test just 12 days later. That is so incredibly odd, but whatever. I didn't really know it was possible to get a positive reading so early. In fact, I was getting the really faint images of the "line" just 9 days after the alleged conception. My period was due and I thought I was further along than that, otherwise I would have never been testing so early. My cycles are still effed up, but I obviously ovulate (even if on wonky schedules) and I'm still as fertile as ever.

So, I had a breakdown in the exam room (after the first ultrasound with a crappy machine and before being ushered into the Ultrasound Room with the good machine and a tech) and I was just sobbing and telling my husband something to the effect of, "I can't lose this baby; I can't go through this again." It was almost like I was watching myself from a distance in that moment. I want to be positive and say it's all going to be okay. I want to at least give this thing a chance, in my head, to turn out well. I am going to try. I really am.

And my poor new OB. I have been the most low-key, low-maintenance OB patient EVER in the past--even through my missed miscarriage. But now this poor new guy is going to have to endure me in my "new normal" state. But he said all the right things, and took us in his office after the exam, and patiently went over the game plan of how we will attempt to avoid a dead baby this time around. All I can say is, GO TEAM!


  1. i'm glad you got to see the bean and that it was ok, even if you were really upset and you're not as far on as you thought. hoping everything stays well for you.

  2. I'm so glad that you have a supportive OB! That makes all the difference in the world. This will not be easy ... but try to take deep breaths and take it one day at a time. *hugs* to you!

  3. I look forward to walking with you and praying for a healthy baby in a few months.

    I am sorry for your families loss.

  4. So happy to hear about an understanding OB and a good ultrasound. I'll be thinking of you in the months ahead and praying for a healthy baby.

  5. So glad that baby is okay, thinking of you & sending love, support, & prayers your way. Glad that the new OB was supportive and kind. I can't imagine how fearful I'll be if I ever do get pregnant again, it's so hard to let go of those fears after we've lived through infant loss. Hope everything continues to go smoothly & baby stays perfectly healthy!

  6. I've just come to your blog off of Glow. I'm glad the bean is ok, and you're feeling the full effects. :-)

    Your experience in the US room is one I anticipate having the next go around. I'm glad you have a good OB / Team going on.

    Wishing you peace,