Frankly, I'm just ready for this bullsh1t year to be over with. I know I'm just in a bad mood, but 2009 has been nothing but trouble. Actually, 2008 definitely had it's bad moments, too, like when Chris lost his job. But the silver lining was landing his current job just 2 months later. I also had a 10-week miscarriage and D&C in September of 2008. That hurt, but in many ways I was pretty quickly accepting once it happened. I found the silver lining and told myself that I really wanted to lose 10 lbs and find a different job before being pregnant anyway. I was in no hurry to get pregnant again, although we weren't using any birth control methods. And then came 2009.
We moved into a new rental house and I started a new job the first week of March. I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later (conceived 2/14 or 2/15--incredibly, we had sex 2 days in a row, which never ever ever happens). I hadn't lost the 10 lbs, so I was starting the pregnancy with more junk in my trunk than I would have liked, but I was still 15 lbs lighter than when I got pregnant with Calvin, so I knew it would be okay.
I never got a chance to tell my new employer that I was pregnant because on April 20,
after just 7 weeks on the job, I was part of a massive downsizing. I was actually planning on telling my boss that week because I was 12 weeks pregnant, had another OB appointment, and the jig was pretty much going to be up. But the silver lining was my killer 15-week severance package (not bad for only being employed by them for 7 weeks!!). I was able to pull my then-almost-3-year-old out of daycare and stay home with him while getting paid full salary for a few months. We were able to pack some money away in our savings account until I started receiving unemployment benefits.
During a really horrible rainstorm in September, Chris drove his '99 Honda Civic through a puddle on his way home from work that had actually become more like a small lake due to flooding. His car was a total loss. But the silver lining was that he started driving my Galant and we used some of our savings, along with the insurance money, to pay cash for an '03 Honda Odyssey (a minivan) for me to drive. After all, in just several weeks I would need a car that could accommodate 2 carseats and a Sit N Stand stroller and all the other baby-and-preschooler-crap. Besides, what family in the burbs doesn't need a freakin' minivan, right?
Well, friends, the silver linings stopped there. Addison was born. And then she died. In fact, it was others who try/tried to find silver linings for us:
She is in heaven (bullsh1t!)
She was too good for this earth (bullsh1t!)
She is now my angel and will watch over me (bullsh1t!)
I should feel lucky to have given birth to one of God's angels (bullsh1t!)
Good thing you have Calvin to take your mind off things (seriously?)
It's just all so wrong in so many ways, and I'm sick and tired of putting on my fake thin smile when I hear these things that are meant to give me comfort but give me NONE.
I have to go on a quick tangent to bitch and moan about my 60-something-year-old neighbor who stops by occasionally with goodies or just to check in on us. That is very kind of her, and her heart is definitely in the right place, but that is where the niceness ends. She knows I don't believe in God but ALWAYS stares me straight in the eye and gives me some ridiculous statement about Addison being in heaven. My favorite is when she told me: "It's okay to tell Calvin that Addison is in heaven. Even if you don't believe it, that's where she is." Look, lady. I lived the hard-core Christian way for the first 25 years of my life. I was a prayer-saying, scripture-reading, youth group-teaching, tithe-paying, proselytizing fool, and I get it. I do. And I probably deserve this crap now, after years of being the holier-than-thou version of myself shoving religion and God and Mormon doctrine down the throats of innocent bystanders. My personal favorite quote of mine was: "God is like gravity. Whether you believe in it or not, it's there." I am realizing now how unnecessary it was for me to try to "help" people by telling them that God is there and cares about them and has a plan for them. I think I was preaching to myself--trying desperately to get myself to really buy it. In the end, I realized that there is likely not a God/god. And if there is, he really has no interest in our day-to-day dealings on Earth. I have been trying to figure out why it is so offensive to me when people confront me with the God Comfort Crap. And I think I've come up with an answer. When a Christian tells me that Addison is in heaven, it is just like a Muslim telling a Christian that their dearly deceased is with their 72 virgins. Muslims believe what they believe; Christians believe what they believe; I believe what I believe. Let's just honor the code and shut up about God and angels and plans for me. Because if this is God's plan, I certainly did not sign off on it. If you want to say something that is helpful, say you are sorry. Because I am, too. I am very sorry my baby died and my life is now so horribly sad.
I don't even know what I intended to post about tonight, but it has clearly degenerated into a terrible rant of angry venting. I am sad and angry and lost and there are no words to accurately describe my pain and emptiness right now. Yes, I have a great husband and a great kid, but it's apparently not enough. I still want my baby girl. I just fucking hope 2010 is better than 2009 was.