Back in the saddle

It's been exactly 8 weeks since Addison was born and exactly 7 weeks since she died. I've been fully "healed" from my c-section for about 6 weeks, so that's not been the issue. It just hasn't really felt appealing to me to have sex with my husband. But it IS Christmas Eve Eve and my husband is the best husband and dad and I love him SO much, so I figured it would be a pre-Christmas gift of sorts. He did hint at wanting to have sex about a week ago, but I brushed it off because I wasn't ready. And was was 100% fine with that. I wasn't ready tonight, either, but we did it because I felt like it was a hurdle I'd eventually have to get over. I don't mean to say that it was a chore, but it was emotionally difficult to have sex with my husband. That very act created our beautiful Addison. Our beautiful Addison who is dead. And that fact just made the act of being intimate with him hard tonight. Hopefully I feel more into it soon. Her death has cheated us out of so much more than just being with her and raising her. I feel sometimes like I'll never be the same.