Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Looking over my shoulder
I'm doing okay right now. Surprisingly okay, actually. And it makes me nervous. I've had some great opportunities in the past week to speak with a few people extensively about Addison's birth, death, and the short period in between the two. I think that is such a healing thing for me--to speak with people who really give a damn about the dirty little details. Who ask meaningful questions about what happened--about her life. While talking about Addison I have cried a little bit here and there, but no sobbing outbursts or anything like that. Even in private, I haven't broken down and cried in days. A lot of days, I think. And I'm starting to get nervous that either: a) I'm a heartless person who is "over" the death of her newborn in just 2 months; or b) I'm about to be blindsided by some seriously tough emotional days. Neither is acceptable to me, and both scare the crap out of me. Honestly, being in the position of having a dead baby is totally wrong, so I guess any emotion (or lack thereof) is going to feel wrong, too.
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I think I went through a short term phase where I felt not as affected by Calvin's death also around the two month mark. By the third month, the real pain set in and I thought I was dying, I wished I was dying on many days. I don't think you are heartless or over Addison at all, I think you are having a normal "calm before the storm" period in your grieving. Not trying to scare you, but it will get worse before it gets better. In any case, I think as bereaved mothers, we NEED people to listen to us talk about our babies. We NEED to get out all the details, including the horrific ones, not only to reaffirm for ourselves what we have just lived through, but to honour what our children have gone through in their little lives. Very few people want to hear about dead babies which can be very isolating, I find this is one of the few places I can talk about my feelings and not feel judged or crazy. This unfortunate community of babylost parents has held me up when the people closest to me in life could not bear to hear about the death of my son. I hope you find that support too. Sending you hugs
ReplyDeleteGenerally, I've not been as affected by the loss of my baby as I would expect to be. And that fact terrifies me at times. everytime I go to see my doctor, I'm scared she's going to point accusingly at me and tell me I'm faking it, that I'm not as upset as I should be, that I'm a horrible person. But every single time I go to see her, I cry. Not huge breaking-down sobs, but just tears. I've only done the proper huge breaking down sobs thing twice, which seems not-enough to me. But that's the way it's gone.
ReplyDeleteYour reaction is normal for you. Some people don't cry at all, but that doesn't mean they're any less blindsided by the whole thing. Some people find tears just aren't enough.
What you say about the whole situation being wrong nails it, I think. Nothing about this whole situation is going to feel right, ever.
i hope that if hard days are coming, you can get through them with help and support from those who love you.
I posted to the forum about this exact point yesterday. We're away at the moment and have been sight seeing around a new city. I have been feeling OK a lot of the time and that's concerning me for the same reasons as you. I've been speaking to lots of people as well - a friend who lost her baby at 16 weeks was visiting last week and we talked a lot. I'm worried it's another 'calm before the storm' - had one of those over Christmas. I don't think we're heartless and I think there's probably going to be more bad days in the so maybe we should just make the most of the good ones while they're here.
ReplyDeletePS I've started a blog too - hoping it will help.
Maddie x