Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic

Actually, the opposite is true. Everything having to do with Addison is magically SO wrong. My appointment for this afternoon with the perinatologist (which I've had for 2 weeks now) was cancelled this morning because the doc is sick. I will have to wait another 10 days to get some tests done to rule out clotting disorders or anything else that might have contributed to Addison's death. It's like the universe is telling me that she should have never existed. That the fact she got so far along was really a fluke. I keep running up against these brick walls when I try to get anything accomplished in regards to Addison. It's so strange.

In the meantime, I'm having these thoughts that I'm not sure about. Last Wednesday, exactly 11 weeks after giving birth, I got my first period. I'm a very irregular period person, so I never know when I'm going to get it, or when I'm going to ovulate, or anything like that. However, we did figure out exactly when Addison was conceived because we happened to have sex only 2 times that month--and it was 2 days in a row (which never happens!!). Turns out, those days were day 14 & day 15 of my cycle. So it appears that I do (or at least did that time) ovulate 14-15 days after my period. The thought I'm having is about trying to get pregnant again. Tomorrow will be 12 weeks since Addison was born. I talked to my shrink about my fear of getting pregnant too soon because I want to make sure I don't have a "replacement baby," but she doesn't really seem to believe in that concept. She made me feel like it would be okay if I got pregnant whenever. Which of course made me feel better. So, it's not that I'm going to buy ovulation testers or anything, but I thought maybe I would want to have sex somewhere around next Tuesday. You know, just to give it a go and see what happened. I'll have to think about that more. I'm not 100% sure I'm ready for the emotional roller coaster that will be pregnancy. (And for the record, Chris is okay with trying for another one whenever I am, as difficult as it will be for both of us to get through another pregnancy without going totally nuts.)


  1. I don't really think I'm ready but I'm figuring it's going to be difficult (slight understatement) when/if it ever happens.

    Good luck.

    Maddie x

  2. Rebecca, this is something I've thought about in depth the last few weeks as more and more of the angel moms are conceiving and birthing their rainbow babies. No lost baby can be "replaced". Nothing will ever take Addison's place in your heart or in your family. Although I do believe the pain softens with the birth of a new baby, I don't think it ever goes away. You'll never stop thinking about her or loving her or wondering what kind of life she would have had. I think that if you want another baby, then you should do what you want if you feel you are ready. Hopefully they will find something that was the cause of Addison's death, something that can be prevented in the future. I lost many, many pregnancies to an undiagnosed clotting disorder which was remarkably easy to treat. I hope you find your answers and that they bring a sense of peace and direction for you. Hugs

  3. Like Margaret says, you will never replace Addison. Another baby will be just that - another baby. Not a replacement.

    It must be really hard not being able to get any answers. I know it is for me, but I know I'll never get them so I have to live with that. It must drive you insane to know you're supposed to get answers but have them forever delayed.

    If you do have another baby, will your doctors or midwives or whoever give you lots of support and extra monitoring the next time round? Worth asking if they haven't mentioned it. I've been offered more scans and more appointments, whatever we need to stop us being terrified was basically what they said. I hope you get offered something similar.