Tuesday, September 14, 2010

White Knuckling

I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. I don't know exactly how far along I am (about 12 1/2 weeks) probably because I'm too scared to get attached to this baby. Frankly, I don't know if it's alive or dead right now. But I'll find out in just about exactly 12 hours. I will see the perinatologist tomorrow. Finally. And then I will see if there is still a heartbeat. I will also see if one of my scariest thoughts has become reality (some terrible genetic fuckup with the baby). VERY secondarily, we may find out if this is a girl or a boy. But, really, I can't even get that far in my head because I don't know if we will even see a live fetus. I have absolutely no instinct about this baby; my instinct has failed me in the past, anyway, so why would I trust anything I feel? I had another pretty decent bleed a few days ago, and I've been spotting very dark blood nearly every day for a week. I just don't feel good about it. I'm nervous. Okay, I'm downright terrified. And so I wait, but not much longer. I hope I can sleep tonight.

6 comments:

  1. Hang in there. Hoping everything is OK tomorrow.

    Maddie x

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  2. 12 hours is not too terribly far away. Hold on, keep breathing. Thinking of you & hoping everything is okay.

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  3. Thinking of you and hoping everything goes well today

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  4. I pray your heart is at peace today.

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  5. I don't even know what to say...everything I can think sounds wrong. I just want you to know how often I still think of you and your family. Everything I have in me is coming at you...hoping everything went smoothly today.

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