Dreams

I've always been a big dreamer--the night kind, that is. My whole life I have had vivid, disturbing dreams that I remember on a consistent basis. In my most recent disturbing dream from this week, the final scene was me finding my 3 1/2-year-old son's body in a clear plastic body bag in a park, along with a man's drivers license. I did not recognize the man, but the ID apparently belonged to the person who did terrrible things to my child, the climax of which was taking his life. And in my dream I actually uttered the words, "well, it could be worse." When I woke up, in that hazy-dazy in-between asleep and awake, I remembered those words and knew that they meant it would be worse to NOT know what happened to him and/or who was responsible. Like if he just disappeared one day into thin air; became a missing child. Seriously, what kind of sick mind creates images like that and scenarios like that and justifications like that? It's time to turn off Nancy Grace.

I obviously have a major fear of losing my only living child. I've always been kind of protective, but it's natural and easy to be protective of such a young kid. I'm wondering how I'll do as he gets older. I don't want to be one of those crazy controlling parents, and I know I can't protect him forever from every bad thing in the world, but I would like to think I can. All I can do is keep my eyes open, be vigilant, aware, teach him to do the same (without creating fear in him), and hope for the best. I really hope he lives a long, healthy, happy life. Isn't that what I hoped for Addison, too?

I had a very long dream the night before Easter. The short version is that I was given a bird to care for while the owner (a woman who was kind of like my sister-in-law, kind of like my aunt--I don't know who she was supposed to be) was away. At times the bird was small and hung out in the hoodie of a sweatshirt I was wearing. At times it became bigger, baby-sized, and I held it as such. And long story short, a sapling appeared on a branch through the window, and it hopped onto the branch. I tried to grab the bird, small as it was in this scene, but it bit me. And then it flew away. And I was forced to tell the unknown woman/owner what had happened. That I lost her bird. And there was another side-story about me throwing away some kind of plaque she had that recognized the adoption of this bird. Or something like that. Well, once the bird flew away, somehow I felt it was reasonable to discard the plaque. I donated it to Goodwill, actually. And then I realized my mistake and went to retrieve it, but the owner realized how important it was to me and used this as a bargaining chip. He demanded a huge sum of money in exchange for it. The whole thing was very convoluted, and there is so much more to the story. In the morning I related part of the dream to my husband, who said, "wow, your brain is trying to work through some issues." But I don't know how my brain thinks these kinds of dreams are helpful for the lucid, awake me. Even if, on a subconscious level, they're helpful and I'm processing my issues, remembering them once I'm awake leaves me feeling sad and disturbed and helpless.

Many days I feel like I'm getting worse--not better. Time is supposed to make this pain more bearable, right? I'm supposed to eventually come to terms with this unbelieveable thing that is now part of my personal history. I'm supposed to take this most wretched thing and twist it into something I'm grateful I was able to endure, and find the good in it. Right? I'm so NOT even close to any of that shit. My therapist tells me that wallowing in the pain of my loss for a bit is fine, but marinating is not helpful. My question is: what about drowning?

To my knees

I remember now why I avoid looking at the pictures of Addison. Watching the naive happiness on our faces in that first day contort into total numb the next. And then watching Addison's skin color and whole face change during that week of her life. The week that WAS her life. As we starved her to death. Hoping for her death not only for her, but for us. Being in a position that absolutely no parent should ever have to be in. The pictures that document her transformation from a beautiful perfect newborn baby, to a statue, to the dust that is now literally in a statue on our mantle. It sickens me. It breaks me down and brings me to my knees.

Where is my fucking period?

I'm just so confused right now. I had Addison, full-term, 10/28/09. I got my first period exactly 11 weeks later on 1/13/10. My second period came on 2/13, making that a 31-day cycle. I have yet to see a period since 2/13/10. Even if I got my period tomorrow, that would make this a 34-day cycle. Right? I just don't know. It's not that I need to be pregnant right now--we only lost Addison a mere 15 weeks ago (but who's counting, right?). It's just that I would like to understand what the fuck my body is doing so I can hope to get pregnant in the nearish future. Then again, I think I got pregnant with Calvin during a cycle where I didn't have a period. My body is lame. And I know I'm not pregnant right now because I got negative tests on 3/9 and 3/15. It's just strange because I could have sworn I was going to start my period last week. And that feeling lasted for a few days and then faded. And now I feel like it's never going to come again. And I'll never get a chance to get pregnant again. Because....well....let's get real. Not much sex is happening over here in this house these days. Yes, there have been a few times in the past month (once on day 15 of my last cycle, which is the day in the cycle I got pregnant with Addison). But obviously that one didn't take, which is no surprise. It's not like I tried that hard, considering we only did it once. On one day that may or may have been a day kinda near ovulation. I've never used an ovulation kit or a thermometer in my life. I wouldn't know where to start. And I think the anxiety that would cause would be too much. And that is a can of worms I am not ready to open.

Okay, I've officially entered The Rambling Zone.

I started back to work 3/1. Went to visit my fam back in California 3/6-3/16. And I've not been able to see my therapist. Three weeks is just too long to go when it's only been 15 since losing one of the 2 most precious things I've ever had. I'm so glad I have an appointment on Friday.

A Daddy's Tattoo

Chris got this tattoo tonight (his first) for Addison. These are tracings of her actual footprints. It made me kind of emotional when I saw the finished product because it's so perfect. It's exactly her.

Addison, we will never forget you. And for as long as I have life and breath, I will love you.

New Ink

The Bluebird of Happiness flying away with a piece of my heart. That's for you, Addison. Because you are that piece of my heart.

It's my fourth tattoo and I've never been a bleeder. But this one bled like crazy. I wonder why.

Too Much

The loss that surrounds me feels a little much right now. An old friend just lost her 23-year-old nephew this week. Another friend of our family (mostly my sister) lost her 23-year-old brother-in-law this week. I have been helping out my husband's cousin with her 2 kids (I consider them my niece and nephew) this week while she visits her husband's grandmother in ICU at a hospital 60 miles away. Granted, she is 88 years old and she may pull through, but it's still a stressful and scary time. Although none of the stress/grief is directly on me, I feel it all around me.

I saw my therapist today, which splits me wide open. (I did a sand tray, which I need to Google. It was an interesting process.) And tonight Chris and I went to a Compassionate Friends meeting. While those meetings are incredibly helpful, it is always sad to FEEL the pain in the room. If it's not brushing up against your cheek, you're definitely breathing it in. The pain is so very real.

And so I'm feeling a bit BLAH.

I pulled the box out from under my bed containing my "work clothes." Being pregnant at the time I was downsized last April, I just packed up all my slacks and blouses and put them away. Sadly, I just haven't been motivated enough to lose those last few pounds after I had Addison. Not having the "breastfeeding diet" to rely on really sucks. And this time around, it feels like my body shifted A LOT. I have a few pair of pants I fit into, and that will get me through for now. Ugh. But in a strange way I don't feel that insecure about my body (even though I probably should) because I know what it's been through--what I've been through. And so I'm cutting myself a little slack. I'll get back to where I need to be eventually. Or I'll get pregnant again and it just won't matter for a little while. Whatever works, but I'm not going to stress about it.

I'm hoping to get some enjoyment out of my last 2 days with Calvin before I go back to work full-time. I'm trying to put the anxiety and sadness all around me away for a little bit. Easier said than done.

Happy 38th, Sweetie!

Since it's 1:14am local time, I guess your birthday was actually yesterday, but Happy Birthday anyway!

I wanted to give my sweet husband, Chris, a shout out on his birthday. He likes to stalk my blog (especially when I'm having a rough day) at times, which is okay with me. It's not like I'm writing anything in here that I don't tell him anyway. It's cute that he comes here in an attempt to "find a reason" for when I'm especially sad. I have to remind him that the reason is simple--we lost our daughter. So that means he will eventually read this.

Chris, this post is for you. I love you and I'm so proud of you and I love the life we created together. It would be perfect, save for losing our sweet Addison. But even that I am grateful to be doing with you. I don't know if I would survive this without you. And, of course, raising Calvin with you is a total joy. I love hanging out with you, laughing with you, eating good food with you, trying to find karaoke places (even when they won't let us in because, well, we're not Korean) with you, watching silly t.v. shows with you, reading the Sunday paper with you. Everything in life is better because of you. I just love you and I'm glad you're mine. And I'm yours. Forever.

xoxoxo